wishing

There are so many things to be grateful for in our lives. I have a loving husband and the best baby on the planet. I have a great career and love what I do. I have a house and a warm bed. My car runs just fine. I have great friends and family. We are all healthy.

But, sometimes I wonder what in the world is happening?

I wish and pray for so many things to be different right now.

This is RAW, fresh from my heart folks.....

With a bachelor's degree you would think that a job would come easily, but Scott has really had a rough time finding a great job related to his exercise science degree or anything related to anything for that matter. Let me tell you, it sure is difficult to have a new baby and a husband that is out of a job. Thankfully, he just got a part time job delivering pizza until something wonderful comes along. I won't tell you the tears that have been shed around here not knowing how we are going to make it. I have tried not to be "too good for" our Medicaid, Food Stamps, and WIC, but all I really want is for this awesome job to come along with benefits so we don't have to worry anymore. When I look at my son, all I want is for him to have everything he needs. We have been so blessed to have been provided for in unexpected ways and we continue to pray and plead with God every day for things to get better. It is truly exhausting and it saddens my heart to watch my husband go through this - to fill out application after application, to have interviews and get turned down, to feel like his college degree is absolutely worthless.

My contribution to saving money: wash hair every other day to save shampoo, use cloth diapers, use washcloths instead of disposable wipes, borrow baby clothes from friends, put up a clothes line to dry our laundry, quit buying organic for the time being, make gifts, no entertainment, no eating out, walk, don't leave the house unless it is necessary, get a $16 haircut instead of the usual $60, use coupons and don't go grocery shopping when hungry, make my own laundry soap for 1 cent a load, plan ahead for meals so we aren't tempted to eat out, use energy efficient light bulbs, set the a/c on 79 or 80, and the list goes on. I am up for suggestions.

Today I got really mad at the government and our ridiculous health care system. On one hand, I am thankful to have Medicaid. It was helpful during my pregnancy for a few lab tests and after the birth on my unexpected trip to the hospital for stitches. But, I can honestly say that in my opinion, the government does not truly have my best interests in mind. My son is five and a half weeks old and has not had a newborn visit with pediatrician. Because we have Medicaid, doctors will not see us because we have made some decisions about what kind of care our son will have or not have and Medicaid will not cover visits due to those decisions. Now, we have found out that there could be a chance that Eli could have a hernia in his tummy. So, that, coupled with the fact that we still have yet to have his heart checked out due to the two vessel cord issue, we are in a bind. We cannot see a doctor that takes our Medicaid because the state requires vacs for Medicaid patients. Lame. And, we cannot pay out of pocket for a visit a doctor that accepts Medicaid because that is illegal. What is a mommy to do? I am just trying to do the best that I can and be a good mommy to my baby. So, today, after slamming the phone down (after I hung up) on what was probably the 15th call to a doctor and crying my eyes out because I just want to get my son checked, I called a pediatrician that lives an hour and a half away. Tomorrow we will go.

This probably left you feeling unloaded on. Sorry. It is just the way I feel and the way things are in our lives right now. Tough. But, we'll make it. We just have to make it somehow.